Funt: Sticks, stones and Trump
"Incompetent Hillary." Really? Is that the best that Devious Donald can come up with?
He did real damage with Little Marco (Rubio) and Lyin' Ted (Cruz) — which, as observations go, were politically crude yet nonetheless accurate. And Trump wasn't far off the mark with Low-Energy Jeb (Bush), who, after all, could barely muster the strength to drop out.
For weeks Trump has threatened to focus his nasty stumpology on Hillary Clinton, raising hopes among his followers for something really clever and tweetworthy. Now he's come up with Incompetent Hillary, which seems so, you know, incompetent for a man who has built a candidacy on his ability to craft insults.
He played nice with Ben Carson, referring to him mostly as Doctor Ben. Comatose Carson would have been good.
He also refused to hang a harsh label on Chris (May I call you Mister?) Christie. I would have favored Mister Potato Head.
Trump won't mess with former governor and soon-to-be daytime TV judge Sarah Palin. Still, audiences would have loved the sly innuendo at rallies if he introduced her as Sinful Sarah.
Sheriff Joe. Now, that's a beaut. He's branding arch lawman Joe Arpaio with the actual job title that many constituents in Arizona feel he doesn't deserve. For those who know him, Jailer Joe works better.
Trump recently tweeted about Crazy Kelly, continuing his feud with Megyn of Fox News.
Hard to imagine the branding Trump has in mind for people at media outlets that actually oppose him. For instance, there is Mischievous Mort (Zuckerman), whose staff has come up with some deliciously scathing anti-Trump front pages at the New York Daily News.
I wonder if in private Trump brands his underlings? Example: Constable Corey (Lewandowski), the overly aggressive campaign manager who beats up protesters and reporters at Trump events.
Does Trump test these monikers in focus groups before taking them public? I'm sure Fawning Frank (Luntz), the GOP head-counter, would be thrilled to go on Trump's payroll to pre-test name-calling.
Seriously, if Incompetent Hillary is the best he's got, Trump will never succeed in November.
The team in the Brooklyn Bunker must be relieved, realizing that Clinton appears to have dodged a linguistic bullet. Trump has chosen to brand her with the word that many voters apply to everyone in public office — and which, when it comes to governing, fits Trump perfectly. "Incompetent" is a zero-sum insult.
Surely Deceitful Donald can do better. If we're ever to survive the most unpleasant presidential election in modern times Trump must work harder at keeping us entertained with a more creative cascade of angry alliteration.
Peter Funt is a writer and speaker. Peter Funt can be reached at www.CandidCamera.com.