Column: Finding romance in your marital bed
Is it just me or do we live in a sex-crazed culture? A quick glance at the magazines at the checkout counter of any supermarket will lead you to believe we do. It's also ironic that while most people think they are looking for sex, what they actually desire is intimacy and connection, which they will rarely, if ever, find in casual hookups.
It's not my intent to moralize, but rather to introduce you to a couple who has a firm understanding of the benefits of marital sex. Our guest columnists, Dan and Linda Wilson are the authors of "Lovemaking: 10 Secrets to Extravagant Intimacy in Marriage" and "7 Secrets of a Supernatural Marriage: The Joy of Spirit-led Intimacy." You can follow them at www.supernaturalmarriage.org and www.facebook.com/supernaturalmarriage.
You can also hear more from the Wilsons on "TWOgether as ONE" at 6 p.m. Monday, Sept. 7. "TWOgether as ONE" is heard every Monday on KLJH 107.1FM.
Longing for romance
Recently, 37 million people's curiosity about adultery was exposed through a breach in security now known as the Ashley Madison scandal. The question begs to be asked: why are so many wives and husbands unable to experience sexual satisfaction within the context of their marriages?
In her book "Mating in Captivity," Esther Perel writes, "We all have a fundamental need for security, which propels us toward committed relationships in the first place; but we have an equally strong need for adventure and excitement." Mystery, excitement, safety, novelty. All can be found in the marriage bed. Why settle for ho-hum or routine sex when you can enjoy secure, sizzling sex with your own marriage partner?
Perhaps you have heard that variety is the spice of life. This certainly holds true in romance within marriage. Lovemaking can be compared to fireworks — sometimes sparklers, sometimes firecrackers and occasionally a really big fireworks show. Not every day is the Fourth of July, but we can enjoy sparklers any time we wish. Never should you settle for mediocrity with your mate.
Romance is not something you turn on only after the kids are in bed. It is a lifestyle of sweet, beautiful sparklers, based on deep intimacy enjoyed consistently with your partner. But sometimes it is a great time for a big fireworks display with all the loud booms that make the ground shake and the bright colors that leave both of you in awe.
What can you do to enhance romance with your mate? Sexual fantasies about your spouse, when pure and honoring, can add adventure and excitement to your play. Think of having hot, steamy sex with your hubby. Imagine slow, delicious, erotic lovemaking with your wife. Know what is pleasurable for your partner. Become an expert at pleasing them in bed. Know what is erotic for yourself, and lovingly communicate this to your mate.
Being an excellent lover requires that you be a great communicator. Both words and actions can express love, enhancing intimacy in your marriage. The key to effective everyday romance is for each partner to honestly and consistently express love to the other in ways that can be perceived.
Express warm thoughts to your spouse, words that bring unity and enhance intimacy. Sentiments such as "I really like you" can be powerful. Everyone needs to know that they are loved, liked and enjoyed.
There are times when you and your mate will have different opinions about what is desirable and enjoyable within the realm of sexual play. It is crucial to say no to an activity that might be uncomfortable, unpleasant or possibly unwise. It is helpful if the no can be spoken in a kind way that leaves hope for the trying of other creative ideas in the future. When resistance to any sexual activity is perceived to be coming from your partner, it is vital that it be stopped or delayed unless receptivity is established.
While sex is the ultimate form of non-verbal communication, it is wise to be affectionate and flirty with your spouse on a regular basis, not only when you are in the mood for a sexual encounter. There is great enjoyment and pleasure in romantically expressing love and tenderness without immediate plans to progress further in making love. This intentional delay of gratification communicates that expressing love is the true goal, not just having sex.
It is valuable for you to regularly communicate with your partner concerning his or her level of sexual contentment. Satisfying sex provides remarkable strength and stability for marriage. It helps both partners to maintain purity and to remain faithful to the marriage vows.
Scheming together for a romantic weekend getaway can add spice to your relationship even as you wait for the anticipated date. And you do not have to leave your home to have a special weekend encounter. Send the kids to grandma, turn off the cell phones, dim the lights and enjoy!
Dare to escape routine. Vary the times, locations, and positions in your lovemaking. And, women, when is the last time you purchased sexy panties? Or, men, why not sensuously share a dark chocolate truffle with your wife tonight?
When you are fully engaged with your mate, the desire to look outside of marriage for stimulating eroticism is unnecessary. Husbands and wives can enjoy the finest of lovemaking in the comfort of their own homes! Sexual play is a romantic celebration. Play often. Play with enthusiasm. Play with passion. Play with joy. Play!
Ron Price is the co-founder and executive director of the Four Corners Coalition for Marriage & Family, a nonprofit organization dedicated to strengthening and equipping marriages and families in the Four Corners area. He can be reached at 505-327-7870.