Realizing that most people don't understand the role that cattle and sheep play in sequestering carbon, fertilizing the ground, breaking the surface crust to prevent runoff, reducing fuel loads to prevent catastrophic fires, and creating high quality protein from grass, I recently made a phone call to 1-800-GOT-RICH.
"Hello, you have reached the main office of Create-A-Crisis Corporation. With offices in all 50 states and 100 countries around the world we can specifically design and create a crises just for you. We have a proven track record and are the go-to experts if you want to shut down a business, farm or ranch, or tie up a private citizen in court and make him or her go broke by paying lawyer bills. All of our lawyers are currently out creating crises and emergencies at the moment so please listen carefully and select from the following menu options.
"If you would like for us to create a crises for you to stop someone from building on their own land or improving their home, press 1.
"We have an answer for everything and can be very creative. If you have a specific complaint about an oil company, or other corporate criminal, and would like for us to create a crises to stop them from producing energy to run your car and heat your home, press 2.
"If you have witnessed someone mistreating an animal by tugging on its leash too hard, press 3 and our animal rights lawyers will put them in Leavenworth or San Quentin faster than PETA can strip the clothes off another fruitcake model or Hollywood actress.
"If, while trespassing on a farmer or rancher's private property you think you saw what should be an endangered species, press 4. If you would be willing to trespass on private property and plant an endangered species, please press 5. We are always looking for volunteers.
"If you, a member of your family, or anyone you know is suffering from a heat rash, hot flashes, or sunburn, all caused by global warming, press 6 and we will connect you to our wholly owned subsidiary, Lawsuits Incorporated. Or you can always visit us on the web at ProfitablySuingEveryoneOnEarth.com.
"To buy our latest book by Al Gore, "You Too Can Create A Crises: 10 Simple Steps to Become an Instant Expert, Become Fabulously Wealthy And Win A Nobel Prize,' press 7. Make just three simple installment payments for $19.95 and we'll throw in Al's Best Selling cookbook, How I Lost My Wife and Gained 200 Pounds."
"Want to tie up your land and your offspring forever? Press 8 and our real estate division will help broker a deal with the Nature Conservancy.
"If your fortune exceeds a billion bucks, you are older than dirt, aren't feeling well and want to make sure your money goes for green causes, press 9. Your call will be immediately forwarded to the President of Create-A-Crises who is playing golf today, as he does every Wednesday, with the Secretary of the Interior. If your fortune is between a million and a billion press 10 . If you have good intentions but no money, press 11 to be put on hold forever."
I got tired of getting the run-around, so even though I don't have a billion dollars to give anyone, I pressed 8 to talk directly to the President of Create-A-Crises.
"What can I do for you?" answered the President of CCC. "You have a lot of money you want to give us, uh, er, I mean, give to a worthy cause?"
"Not really. My name is Lee Pitts and I just wanted to explain to you how cows could help solve a few of the crises you have created."
"Mr. Pitts, I'm afraid you clearly do not understand the concept. I assure you we are not in the business of fixing problems. We create crises, we don't fix them. What kind of business model would that be?"