"Admit it. You're a dirty rotten conservative!"
"That's false. I eat tofu for breakfast."
"But we found your name on a donor list of a group that sought 501(c)(4) status to promote the founding principles of the U.S. Constitution!"
"You're mistaking me for someone else with the same name. I listen to Barry Manilow records."
"We also found your name on another donor list of a group seeking 501(c)(4) status that wanted to promote the findings of the Bowles-Simpson Commission. This group was established by President Obama, who promptly ignored its sensible recommendations for fiscal sanity."
"That wasn't me. I like independent French films in which the beautiful female protagonist concludes life isn't worth living."
"Just admit who you are: a tea-party rabble-rouser who stands in the way of the progressive movement."
"That's not so. I like activist government. And I often yell at my barista for over-steaming the milk in my latte."
"Who do you think you're fooling? You write a weekly newspaper column in which you routinely express concern for runaway government spending."
"You're confusing me with some other fellow. The only thing I do routinely is attend Cher concerts."
"Admit it. You think the government should drop ObamaCare and start over with a sensible bipartisan approach that doesn't produce so many unintended consequences."
"That isn't so. I consider it my patriotic duty to pay higher insurance premiums to support a program that is doing the opposite of what it promised: to rein in soaring health-care costs. I even read John Maynard Keynes speeches in my leisure time."
"You don't fool me, conservative. I've seen your tax returns. You surely think your income taxes are too high."
"That isn't so, either. It is my duty to pay high taxes so that politicians can dole out billions to crony capitalists who waste it on alleged 'green' technologies that end up not working. I even once picketed an oil company for making too much money."
"Nice try, you cut-government-spending fool. You probably think you have a right to keep and bear arms, too, because your conservative mind is paranoid and fearful." "The truth is, I'm fearful of guns, and even though I live in a more rural area -- it could take a while for my police department to arrive in the event of a burglary -- I would never arm myself for personal protection or go through the proper training to ensure gun safety. Also, I gave up meat and fish and eat only vegetables."
"You're mighty clever for a small-minded conservative, but I see right through you. You're fearful of an ever-expanding government, because you believe that as government grows, it can't help but inhibit personal freedoms."
"That's not true. President Gerald Ford was wrong when he said, 'A government big enough to supply everything you need is big enough to take everything you have.' I think our government SHOULD put it to people who are well-off and buy votes by giving that money to others. And I'm the founding member of a Teddy Kennedy fan club." "I'm onto your game. You're concealing your real convictions and beliefs because you fear your government will use powerful agencies to target and intimidate you. You're doing what many conservatives who feared being audited or otherwise harassed did in the run-up to the last election. You actually believe what Thomas Jefferson said: 'When government fears the people, there is liberty. When the people fear the government, there is tyranny.'"
"That isn't true. And as proof, I display an 'I Love Jimmy Carter' bumper sticker on my car."
Tom Purcell is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc.